I know it’s probably a little too casual, but I want to be comfortable and myself. I’ve always made the mistake in the past to dress as someone I’m not and quite frankly I’m over it.

If you see the grungy girl being probably a little too shy or a little too awkward, that’s me. Say hi, please! See you ladies on Saturday!

Birthdays was the worst days

My birthday is coming up. It’s a little weird for me, to be honest. I always say I don’t like celebrating my birthday, but I always secretly wanted someone to throw me an amazing bash. I’m going to be in Toronto this year for BlogPodium, so maybe I’ll stay the night and go dancing. Or drag someone to Ripleys Aquarium. Maybe get tattooed.

Anyway, I always make it a point to treat myself. I made it through another year, why the hell not buy myself something pretty. I think this will be this year’s gift.

This is my absolute most favourite gift I’ve ever received. The person who bought it for me, I don’t really speak to much anymore. He probably thinks I lost it, but I carry it around with me everywhere. It’s my absolutely favourite and probably the most thoughtful gift I’ve ever received. I never asked for it, I didn’t even know they existed. He just knew I’d love it. I’m scared to wear it now though because the pin is a little loose. :/

Do you buy yourself birthday presents? :) If not, you should.

Trying to understand suicide

The so-called ‘psychotically depressed’ person who tries to kill herself doesn’t do so out of quote ‘hopelessness’ or any abstract conviction that life’s assets and debits do not square. And surely not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person in whom Its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window just checking out the view; i.e. the fear of falling remains a constant. The variable here is the other terror, the fire’s flames: when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors. It’s not desiring the fall; it’s terror of the flames. Yet nobody down on the sidewalk, looking up and yelling ‘Don‘t!’ and ‘Hang on!’, can understand the jump. Not really. You’d have to have personally been trapped and felt flames to really understand a terror way beyond falling.

– David Foster Wallace

Disconnecting and Reading

I’ve taken a lot of time off the internet lately. Social media is a strange thing. I really do have a love/hate relationship with it. It’s given my opportunities to meet people I never would have otherwise, and I even found a boy and fell head over heels in love (and out of love). How could I not love social media?

What I’ve come to realize is although it’s fun to curate all the best bits of our day and show them off to friends, acquaintances, and strangers. It’s also destroying us. It’s letting us to speculate, judge and make assumptions about other people’s lives, which I’ve admittedly been guilty of doing. (but really, so are you)

So, how do I change that? Delete my accounts? That seems a little drastic. I haven’t quite figured it out, but I’ve taken steps in the past few weeks to change.

I know this sounds really ridiculous, but I leave my computer at work now. I would cart that stupid thing everywhere. I was constantly downloading, watching movies, finding new music, or reading pointless articles. A weight has literally been lifted off my right shoulder.

So, what have I been doing with all my spare time? Reading books – a LOT of books. I think I’ve done 4 in the past two weeks. And I’m halfway through my 5th! Admittedly, 3 of them were smutty trash, but I still made it through!

I was actually really stoked on Orange is the New Black. It’s a lot different than what the Netflix series has depicted. I highly recommend it.

I’m currently simultaneously reading Hard Choices by Hillary Clinton and A Light Between Oceans by M.L. Stedman.

What’re you reading? Help me build my list!

Why don’t I live here?

The Song That Changed Your Life

Have you ever had a song change your life? I know how that sounds. It’s crazy – but I’m sure it happens more often than we’d like to admit.

Saeglopur by Sigur Ros is mine. And here’s why:

I had a rough childhood. I remember the day in early 3rd grade when everything changed. My parents divorced, and it was really messy. Lots of overnights at grandma’s house, tears, pleading, accusations, but the worst how I ended up in the middle of it all. I won’t get into the nitty gritty of it, but it completely changed me. I wasn’t a kid anymore and I didn’t trust anyone – I became fiercely independent and incredibly dependant all at once.

This independence didn’t sit well throughout highschool. I had a toxic relationship with my parents and needed to get out asap. Not only were drugs an easy escape, a drug fuelled roadtrip and a boy offering me a place to live in the big city probably didn’t help.

I remember it vividly the day I heard this song. I was in Toronto alone in my first solo apartment after breaking up with the boy that gave me the escape. I was on a bender – I’m not going to be ashamed to admit it. It was day three of not sleeping, not eating, barely leaving my bedroom. A friend sent it to me and told me it was the most beautiful song they’d ever heard. They were right.

Something inside me clicked after I played it a million times over. I can’t tell you what or why, but I knew at that point in my life I needed to make a change because the path I was going down wasn’t doing me any good.

I moved home 5 days later.

So.. I challenge you to think – Do you have a song that made a deep impression on your life? Tell me! And the story if you’re comfortable.

Words of Wisdom

Being tender and open is beautiful. As a woman I feel continually shh’d. Too sensitive. Too mushy. Too wishy washy.

Don’t let someone steal your tenderness. Don’t allow the coldness and fear of others to tarnish your perfectly vulnerable beating heart.

Nothing is more powerful than allowing yourself to truly be affected by things. Whether it’s a song, a stranger, a mountain, a rain drop, a tea kettle, an article, a sentence, a footstep – feel it all.

Look around you. All of this is for you. Take it and have gratitude. Give it and feel love.

– Zooey Deschanel

Self Worth

For some reason I have this uncanny ability to find and crush on boys who are unavailable. And they seem to find me. I’m not purposely seeking them out, they just come along. I wouldn’t ever pursue anything with them, because I’m not and will never be THAT girl.

It really got me thinking the other day. What do I believe I’m worth? What is it that I’m looking for? What parts of myself can I improve to be a better girlfriend? Why haven’t I been enough for the men in my past?

It’s all very exhausting, because I really don’t have the answer to any of those questions.

Maybe I’m overthinking it all, I have a tendency to do that. I really do love myself, don’t get me wrong. But, do we ever really figure it out? I’m hoping so.