Have you ever had a song change your life? I know how that sounds. It’s crazy – but I’m sure it happens more often than we’d like to admit.
Saeglopur by Sigur Ros is mine. And here’s why:
I had a rough childhood. I remember the day in early 3rd grade when everything changed. My parents divorced, and it was really messy. Lots of overnights at grandma’s house, tears, pleading, accusations, but the worst how I ended up in the middle of it all. I won’t get into the nitty gritty of it, but it completely changed me. I wasn’t a kid anymore and I didn’t trust anyone – I became fiercely independent and incredibly dependant all at once.
This independence didn’t sit well throughout highschool. I had a toxic relationship with my parents and needed to get out asap. Not only were drugs an easy escape, a drug fuelled roadtrip and a boy offering me a place to live in the big city probably didn’t help.
I remember it vividly the day I heard this song. I was in Toronto alone in my first solo apartment after breaking up with the boy that gave me the escape. I was on a bender – I’m not going to be ashamed to admit it. It was day three of not sleeping, not eating, barely leaving my bedroom. A friend sent it to me and told me it was the most beautiful song they’d ever heard. They were right.
Something inside me clicked after I played it a million times over. I can’t tell you what or why, but I knew at that point in my life I needed to make a change because the path I was going down wasn’t doing me any good.
I moved home 5 days later.
So.. I challenge you to think – Do you have a song that made a deep impression on your life? Tell me! And the story if you’re comfortable.
For some reason I have this uncanny ability to find and crush on boys who are unavailable. And they seem to find me. I’m not purposely seeking them out, they just come along. I wouldn’t ever pursue anything with them, because I’m not and will never be THAT girl.
It really got me thinking the other day. What do I believe I’m worth? What is it that I’m looking for? What parts of myself can I improve to be a better girlfriend? Why haven’t I been enough for the men in my past?
It’s all very exhausting, because I really don’t have the answer to any of those questions.
Maybe I’m overthinking it all, I have a tendency to do that. I really do love myself, don’t get me wrong. But, do we ever really figure it out? I’m hoping so.
It’s been ten days since I quit drinking. It’s really not easy. There are days that I come home after a long day and all I want to do is crack all five leftover PBR’s and let them do their thing. (speaking of which, I should probably get rid of those. Someone come take them off my hands!) I didn’t think it would be like this, but it is. I’m glad I haven’t succumb to the temporary fix though. Facing reality really sucks, but I know I’ll come out happier this way.
I’ve been waking up (forcing myself out of bed) around 5:30am and starting my day with meditation and yoga. I’m probably doing it all wrong, but it’s enough for me. Today is the first day in a long time that I woke up and felt genuinely happy. I think I’m finally starting to feel normal again – knock on wood.
One day at a time, right?
I know that may sound like a blasphemous statement, but diamonds aren’t this girl’s best friend. You know what does it for me? Flowers. What can I say? I’m a simple girl to please.
Yesterday morning I was feeling exhausted. I haven’t been sleeping well the past couple nights. My dreams are filled with what was, what is, and what isn’t. I dread sleep. I’m probably going to crash hard one night and be out for 15 hours. I’m actually looking forward to it, to be honest.
Either way, I came home for lunch yesterday to hang out with Jiji and try to take a nap on the couch. As I’m walking up to my door, I see this.
I couldn’t have been happier. There’s daffodils too! I’m going to clean up this surprise garden this weekend and plant a few more little perennials. It’s funny how something so little and seemingly insignificant had such a positive effect on my day.
Maybe that’s why they say: “Stop and smell the flowers”.
I don’t think it’s really a surprise to anyone that I’m hurting. I’m not going to hide it because I’m not ashamed of it. I think hiding and ignoring my feelings and not being honest with myself after going through a lot of life changing events was incredibly unhealthy.
Enough with the doom and gloom though, I want to take steps to making this space something I can be proud of. So, I’m starting the #100DaysofHappy challenge. It won’t be easy, because some days I just don’t feel happy. And somedays I struggle feeling anything at all, but I’m hoping that doing this challenge will help me have a more positive outlook on everything, and help me appreciate the things and people I do have around, as opposed to the handful of people I don’t.
So, here’s day one:
Those two are the reason I keep it all together. She needs me to be okay. And she deserves to have someone who will be well for her. <3 Never ending unconditional love always to my little K and Jiji. <3
I need to start being honest with myself. And honesty is a hard thing to face sometimes, lemme tell ya. I’ve been slapped with a lot of it in the past two days and man..
Anyway, here it is, I’m airing it all out.
I can’t drink anymore. It always starts casually, but then I turn into someone I don’t recognize. I’m heartbroken (yes still after 5 months) and masking the pain of the end of my relationship with alcohol isn’t helping. A bandaid, if you will.
I’ve starting hating myself, missing work, and doing and saying things I immensely regret. I’ve treated the person I love the most like a monster, and that isn’t fair.
I need to make changes. So here I am. This is day two on my path of being sober and healthy.